Child-free not by choice

About a year ago, I wrote a post on being child-free by choice, without even the slightest clue that we would actually not be given a choice. 

I saw my nephrologist for a routine annual check up in late August. My kidneys were not getting worse, but they never quite recover from the damage it went through a year and a half ago. I nonchalantly mentioned to him about our plans to possibly start a family at the end of this year. Without any warning, he quickly asked I seek advice from a high risk OB. Research right away showed pretty grim outcomes. Risk of pre-term birth. Risk of worsening kidneys. Despite that, we wanted to stay optimistic, at least until we hear it straight from the OB.

Well, we saw the OB yesterday. Sure enough, he pretty much confirmed it. Trying to find the silver lining in it all. There’s still a bit of hope if my kidneys somehow improve. 

There’s also the other options of surrogacy or adoption. We’re not completely ruling it out. But it’s difficult to begin imaging having a family any other way than how you’ve always imagined it. There’s so many others out there who’s struggling with infertility. But there’s not many who are in the same exact situation that we know of. Because we haven’t even begin trying yet. We’re not facing the question of whether can we get pregnant, but more should we get pregnant. Is it irresponsible to want to try knowing that we might create an unhealthy baby? Would we regret not trying if there’s a chance baby and me would maybe be okay? 

We’re sad for us.

And we’re sad for the world. 

Hurricanes, earthquakes, flooding, fires, and mass shooting. Maybe someone is trying to tell us perhaps we really shouldn’t bring a new baby into this world… And then I wonder how people went through multiple world wars and still created families. A part of me have this hope that maybe this new breed of humans will somehow do better. Maybe those people thought the same. 

This was shot in Iceland inspired by the vulnerability that Kallen and I felt after we first heard of the disappointing news. One way of dealing with a bit of sadness I guess, turning it into a bit of creativity. Hoping to submit it for publication, but unsure where would be appropriate. Help? 

Anywho, such a somber post. I know. Hoping for better days, for all. 


A movie suggestion

On our flight back home from Iceland, I watched a sweet movie called “Flipped” and now it’s one of my favorites.

Young innocent love with a strong and smart female lead, that also transports me back to much simpler times. I loved it. I have a mental list of movies I’d love to watch with my future kids someday and this is definitely one of them. 

Something for me

I turned 31 today and I wanted to create something for myself. So I drove to the SF flower mart, walked around all by my lonesome because apparently no one else shops for flowers at 12pm. I bought some flowers and put together this bouquet that was inspired by a talented florist I met at a workshop in Oregon. 

Kallen and I found out some sad news a few weeks ago. Haven’t really talked about it with anyone yet because things are uncertain and we don’t have answers yet. I’ve been keeping myself busy with work so I don’t drive myself crazy with my thoughts. 

We came back from Iceland not too long ago either and I think I’ve said it before that I think we’re not going to travel again for awhile. It was fun while we were there but the traveling there and back is exhausting. 

My favorite was seeing the Icelandic horses. They’re so darn cute and reminded us of our pups.


We did some touristy things:

(This Blue waterfall is notorious for being really difficult to find and we almost gave up until I let my gut instinct take over and led us straight there.)

And we also did some not so touristy things including this styled shoot I put together in just one week:

Here’s some more BTS:

This was also one of my favorite moment from the trip. Thanks to Kallen for all his support, encouragement, and assistance on the shoot. He took a lot of bts photos and videos and now I want an assistant at all my shoots just for that. Lol

I go back to work tomorrow and all I want to do is find a way to be a stay at home wife. Haha. Some day, aka when I’m retired. 

A little update 

A week ago I was hit with the worst of the worst of baby fevers which led me down a rabbit hole, literally. One minute I was checking out bunnies on Craigslist and the next I was driving down highway 80 on my way to Sacramento to see the cuties in person. But despite my best efforts and showing Kallen endless videos of how tiny they fit in the palms of my hands, the husband shot me down. I’m disappointed but a part of me is glad he knew that entertaining this spontaneous idea isn’t the most reasonable route at the moment. 

And a few days ago we celebrated 1 year of marriage. I feel like I blinked and the year flew right pass me. I think one thing I’ve realized after a year of being married to the guy is how much more I’ve developed feelings for him. Kinda weird because I didn’t know it was even possible. He’s so sweet in supporting me along this new journey into entrepreneurship. He let’s me be frustrated when we fight. He makes me feel safe enough to apologize whenever I’m being stupid. And he kinda listens whenever I call him out on his unfairness. 

I think through this first year of marriage, I’ve realized he’s become my bestfriend. It’s the most cheesiest thing, I know. But I really like being with him, even if it’s just us on the couch looking at our separate phones. 

In a few days I’ll be going on my fist solo trip without him for 4 days and I’m not sure how I’m going to get through it. Wish me luck? 

I’m heading to Portland for a workshop with the most amazingly talented people and a big part of me is super excited but a small part of me feels like I’m a fraud. I’m so new and I’ll be surrounded with many with decades of experience. How do I feel like I belong? Is interest and passion enough? I hope so. Wish me luck?

And a piece of great news, one of my work was published! You can check it out below:

Iceland, where to?

We’re finally getting around to planning our trip to Iceland in September and I can’t help but feel nostalgic about our trip to Amsterdam a few years ago. I’m really hoping the weather is in our favor and we won’t freeze our butts off every time we step out of our hotel. 

Super looking forward to seeing the northern lights! We’ll only be there for a few short days so crossing our fingers that skies are clear and the aurora shows up! 

Now for the big debate. To plan or not to plan a styled shoot. Pros: pretty pictures in gorgeous Icelandic scenery, duh. Cons: $$ for florals, models and dress rental. Womp womp womp. 

For now, I think it just makes more sense for Kallen and I to just enjoy our travels without worrying about putting together a styled shoot in such a short amount of time while also in a new country. Yes, I think I’ve decided. No styled shoot but totally open to do a shoot for a cool couple who’s down for some gorgeous pics on film. 😉 

Kallen had a dream

He had a dream last night that I adopted a kitty. 

I asked him if he was mad at me.

He said no, but he remembered he was disgruntled and said “I’m not surprised.” Lol. 

And here’s a pic of my sisters kitty that may have sparked his dream:

I was that person!

It happened on Wednesday and my heart is still racing from just thinking about what went down.

I was driving home from Trader Joe’s, exited a big exit and was in queue to turn left. Out of nowhere, a mama and her duckies came walking in front of my car, making their way towards the divider. I watched frantically as mama hopped onto the middle divider while all her little babies made failed attempts. All I could think was, “OH NO! THEY’RE STUCK! THEY’RE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT!” Without hesitation, I turned on my emergency blinker, parked my car, ran over to them and grabbed as many duckies as I could in my arms and got them over the divider. As soon as they were on the other side, stupid me then realized now  they have all of the other side of the road to cross! At first I just tried to stop traffic from coming as mama and her duckies made their walk across. AND it felt like an eternity! Eventually I started to pick up some duckies (ashamed to admit in my state of frantic I may have thrown a couple a little too far) just so they can get to the other side quicker. More anxiety and stress followed as I realized they have no where to go, the area was fenced off. So now I’m on the sidewalk, again pushing mama ducky to get to a safer area. Thankfully, a nice man saw me, (initially asked if they were mine, no, but I kinda wish they were) and helped me push them to safety.

That was a lot more excitement than I needed for the year. Thanks.

Really wish I had photos of the duckies. They were so adorable.