About a year ago, I wrote a post on being child-free by choice, without even the slightest clue that we would actually not be given a choice.
I saw my nephrologist for a routine annual check up in late August. My kidneys were not getting worse, but they never quite recover from the damage it went through a year and a half ago. I nonchalantly mentioned to him about our plans to possibly start a family at the end of this year. Without any warning, he quickly asked I seek advice from a high risk OB. Research right away showed pretty grim outcomes. Risk of pre-term birth. Risk of worsening kidneys. Despite that, we wanted to stay optimistic, at least until we hear it straight from the OB.
Well, we saw the OB yesterday. Sure enough, he pretty much confirmed it. Trying to find the silver lining in it all. There’s still a bit of hope if my kidneys somehow improve.
There’s also the other options of surrogacy or adoption. We’re not completely ruling it out. But it’s difficult to begin imaging having a family any other way than how you’ve always imagined it. There’s so many others out there who’s struggling with infertility. But there’s not many who are in the same exact situation that we know of. Because we haven’t even begin trying yet. We’re not facing the question of whether can we get pregnant, but more should we get pregnant. Is it irresponsible to want to try knowing that we might create an unhealthy baby? Would we regret not trying if there’s a chance baby and me would maybe be okay?
We’re sad for us.
And we’re sad for the world.
Hurricanes, earthquakes, flooding, fires, and mass shooting. Maybe someone is trying to tell us perhaps we really shouldn’t bring a new baby into this world… And then I wonder how people went through multiple world wars and still created families. A part of me have this hope that maybe this new breed of humans will somehow do better. Maybe those people thought the same.
This was shot in Iceland inspired by the vulnerability that Kallen and I felt after we first heard of the disappointing news. One way of dealing with a bit of sadness I guess, turning it into a bit of creativity. Hoping to submit it for publication, but unsure where would be appropriate. Help?
Anywho, such a somber post. I know. Hoping for better days, for all.